The Seven Deadly Sins of Pickleball

There is a website called BlessedPickleball.com. It exists. We have reviewed it. We have no further comment on the website itself. We do, however, have a framework.

The Seven Deadly Sins are a classification system developed in the fourth century by the monk Evagrius Ponticus and later formalized by Pope Gregory I in 590 AD. They were designed to categorize the principal vices of human behavior: Pride, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, Gluttony, and Lust.

We have applied this framework to pickleball. We wish to be clear: we are not making a moral argument. We are making a taxonomic one. The following is a field guide. We have done the work so that you do not have to.

I. PRIDE — The DUPR Rating

Pickleball has a proprietary skill rating system called DUPR: the Dynamic Universal Pickleball Rating. It tracks your performance across every match you play, in real time, and assigns you a number between 2.0 and 8.0 that represents your worth as a pickleball player.

Players check it obsessively. They check it after tournaments. They check it after recreational games. There are documented accounts of players crying when their DUPR drops.

Tennis has the ATP and WTA rankings, which have existed since 1973 and determine who competes at Wimbledon. Pickleball has DUPR, which determines how you feel about yourself on a Tuesday afternoon. We have noted this.

II. GREED — The Court Conversion

Tennis courts are being converted to pickleball courts across the United States at a rate that has been described by tennis players as "alarming" and by pickleball advocates as "progress."

One tennis court becomes four pickleball courts. The math is presented as efficiency. The tennis players who used those courts are presented with a waiting list.

PickleRage, a pickleball facility chain, has announced plans for 500 locations. They named it PickleRage. Racquetball had 500 locations too. We have noted this.

III. SLOTH — The Kitchen

Pickleball has a zone called the Kitchen. Its formal name is the Non-Volley Zone. It is a seven-foot area on either side of the net where players are prohibited from hitting the ball out of the air.

The Kitchen exists because, without it, players would simply stand at the net and volley the ball back and forth indefinitely. The sport required a rule to prevent players from doing the most effective thing.

"Tennis does not have a Kitchen. Tennis players are permitted to stand wherever they choose. This is because tennis is a sport that assumes you can handle the consequences of your positioning."

IV. WRATH — The Noise

Mobile, Alabama has spent nearly $30,000 on noise-cancelling measures at its public pickleball courts. Residents reported suffering from "auditory hallucinations" caused by the sound of the ball striking the paddle.

This is not an isolated incident. Communities across the United States have filed noise complaints, imposed time restrictions, and in some cases banned pickleball courts from residential areas entirely.

We published a position on the pop sound in our founding manifesto. We said it was not satisfying. Mobile, Alabama has since classified it as a medical event. We consider this independent verification.

V. ENVY — The Tennis Shoes

Pickleball has developed a dedicated category of footwear. These shoes feature lateral support, herringbone court grip soles, reinforced toe boxes, and cushioned midsoles optimized for court surfaces. These are tennis shoes. They have been tennis shoes since 1971.

The sport has also been described, repeatedly and by its own advocates, as "like tennis but more accessible." Jon Stewart, independently and without our input, described it as "baby tennis." We have added him to the official record.

VI. GLUTTONY — The Equipment

A pickleball player requires: a paddle, a ball, court shoes, a visor, a bag, a knee brace, a DUPR subscription, and ideally a membership to a dedicated facility. The ball has holes in it. The paddle is solid. The net is lower than a tennis net. The court is smaller than a tennis court.

The equipment category has expanded to include paddles at multiple price points, specialized gloves, paddle covers, grip tape, and accessories marketed under the premise that the right equipment will improve a DUPR rating that the player is already crying about. We have a category in our grievance form for the visor. It is listed under "Visor Incident." The form is available at fckpickleball.com/grievances.

VII. LUST — The Dating Venue

The New York Post has reported that pickleball courts have replaced bars as the preferred dating venue for New York City millennials and Gen Z. Players describe the sport as "flirty by design." The close quarters, the mixed doubles format, and the social atmosphere of recreational play have made pickleball courts, in the words of one participant, "better than Hinge."

The New York Times Well section has since asked: "Tennis vs. Pickleball: What's A Better Workout?" We do not appreciate the question.

Conclusion

We have classified the Seven Deadly Sins of Pickleball. We have cited our sources. We have done this without judgment and without malice.

BlessedPickleball.com is welcome to respond. We will add their response to the record.

"We are not here to judge. We are here to classify."